The lastest installment in the Cubicle Post's series of "things journalists get in the mail."
After taking the day off yesterday, I came back to my desk today and was greeted by a mysterious package...plus an equally mysterious series of inky finger prints around the large envelope.
Since I love getting mail at work, I tore this thing open without any hesitation. Inside was a press release (of course) and a tiny red pouch — the type of bag that one might store magic beans in. While not quite magic beans, the contents of the bag turned out to be quite magical. Yes, quite magical indeed.
The pouch contained three boxes of something called Energems®. According to the accompanying press release, Energems® are set to change “the industry.” These little candies are made with “real milk chocolate, caffeine, B-vitamins and a proprietary energy blend.” I’m not sure what an energy blend is, but as long it’s not illegal and/or won’t cause my heart to explode and/or cause my eyes to vibrate in violent fashion, then I’m cool with it. (Note: I ate a series of these while writing this, if something DOES happen to me, please avenge me).
The flavors I received are mint fusion, chocolate charge and peanut butter blast. Allow me to suggest some additional flavors: Vanilla kick, toffee facepunch, and the delicious, fruity touch of coconut crank.
More fun facts about candy mail: Despite initial concerns, these little guys are indeed FDA approved (I found this out after not only consuming some, but passing them out to others in the office). One box of nine candies is equivalent to 24 ounces of energy drink. Also, “this protect is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.” So, if you’re taking these to rid yourself of cavities, things probably won’t end favorably for you. But if you want to boost your cyanocobalamin levels (vitamin B12), you’re in luck. One blast (serving) of Energems® has 2,500 percent of your daily value of B12. BOOM.
If you’re wondering if Energems® has a Twitter account, the answer is yes. Yes they do. Almost all their tweets are about staying healthy (which I feel eating a bunch of Energems® will do the opposite of that) and, for some reason, Bonnaroo (I’m picturing them as HUGE Weird Al fans). And of course they’re tweeting about something called The Crush Games. I could look up what that is, but that’s not as fun as wildly speculating what exactly would be awesome enough to be dubbed, The Crush Games. I’m picturing a cross between the Hunger Games and Hungry Hungry Hippos.
The company’s Twitter wallpaper is equally intense. It’s an image that appears to be giant blood capsules blasting out of a pool of delicious, decadent chocolate. #Whoa #aRealPhotoFromTheCrushGames.
In conclusion, thanks for the mail guys!
Second conclusion: As always, the moral the story here is, if you leave mysterious satchels of food in questionable packaging on my desk, I will eat the (cuss) out of it. Every time.