Valentine’s Day is almost here; and once again, I’m excited to roll out my newest collection of “honest” Valentine’s cards for couples who’ve been together so long they now look alike.
If you’re new to this column, you might be wondering: Honest? What’s up with that?! Aren’t all Valentine’s Day cards honest?
Well, yes, some are certainly honest. But for those of us who’ve been in the trenches with someone for decades, the sentiments of most valentines simply don’t ring true. Come on, can we really give a card that says, “You take my breath away…always.”? Doubtful. At this ripe age, we’re more likely to give a card that says, “You need to take your breath away…pronto!”
Lest you misunderstand, my stance here is not to say we ancients don’t have passion for our partner. Of course we do! It’s just a different kind of passion, a more seasoned one.
On that scintillating note, let’s take a peeky-poo at this year’s collection.
My first grouping — lovingly called the “You still amaze me” line — zeroes in on mysterious habits that render a spouse speechless.
From a wife to a husband:
“You still amaze me…whenever you leave the house with your fly wide open. That you don’t feel a draft is the most amazing thing of all!”
“You still amaze me…whenever you drive in a downpour with the wipers off. Watching you squint when one of man’s greatest inventions is but a wrist-flick away never fails to light my ire!”
“You still amaze me…whenever you leave a nearly empty container in the fridge. That you think leaving one bite lets you off the hook slays me!”
From a husband to a wife:
“You still amaze me…whenever you take a nibble from a cookie and put it back on the tray. As if!”
“You still amaze me…whenever you wear lingerie clearly saved from college days. Seeing you waltz around in those sagged-out unmentionables makes me wish I would die and go to heaven!”
“You still amaze me…whenever we travel and you pack more suitcases than a celebrity and her entourage. That you never wear half of it always leaves me guessing!”
My second grouping — sweetly called the “Because of you” line — focuses on the positive impact of a long relationship with one partner.
From a wife to a husband:
“Because of you…I can watch my cheap reality shows, knowing you’ll keep my guilty pleasure secret!”
“Because of you…I can release my inner-hypochondriac, and go on and on and on about how every ache is really a terminal disease!”
“Because of you…I am free to laugh at and bat around my neck waddle!”
From a husband to a wife:
“Because of you…I can indulge in selective hearing while binge-watching TV sports!”
“Because of you…I am free to itch my ear with a pencil!”
“Because of you…I can make all sorts of sounds that you actually find funny, maybe too funny!”
Happy Valentine’s Day!