“Hi, Tracy. This is Father Time.  I just wanted to check in and see if you were ready for the Baby New Year.”

“Hi, is Tracy there?” said a male voice on the other end of the phone.


“This is Tracy,” I responded.


Male voice: “Hi, Tracy. This is Father Time.  I just wanted to check in and see if you were ready for the Baby New Year.”


Me: “What? No! I’m done having babies!”


F.T.: “Well, this one is coming whether you want it or not.”


Me: “Oh, just like wrinkles and gray hair, huh?”


F.T.: “Pretty much.”


Me: “Super.”


F.T.: “So, are you thinking about making any resolutions this year?”


Me: “Absolutely.  I’m going to eat better, go to the gym more, and lose 10 pounds.”


F.T.: “Weren’t those your resolutions last year?”


Me: “Yeah.  But I need a do-over.”


F.T.: “Gotcha.”


Me: “Can you help me with that?”


F.T.: “Not really. As Father Time, I tend to make people gain weight as they get older.”


Me: “Not very supportive of you, bro.”


F.T.: “Sorry. However, I do make you wiser!”


Me: “Big whoop. That’s what the Internet is for.”


F.T.: “Getting older isn’t so bad. With age you gain perspective, insight, clarity…”


Me: “… And 10 pounds.”


F.T.: “Yeah, there’s that, too. But the good news is, your eyesight starts to go, so you can’t see how fat you’re getting!”


Me: “Fantastic.”


F.T.: “Also, you know how your kids think you’re really uncool?”


Me: “Yeah?”


F.T.: “In a few years they’ll start to think you’re cool again.”


Me: “Is that before or after they come back to live with me when they graduate college?”


F.T.: “After.”


Me:  “That’s what I figured.”


F.T.: “So, is there anything else I can do for you next year?”


Me:  “I was hoping for some new chin hairs.”


F.T.:  “I can definitely help you with that!”


Me:  “And I wouldn’t mind an early spring.”


F.T.: “Sorry, you’ll have to take that one up with Mother Nature.”


Tracy’s new book, “Lost in Suburbia: A Momoir. How I Got Pregnant, Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs” is now available for PRE-ORDER!  To reserve your copy, got to Amazon or any online bookseller.