Lost? Fear no more. Take a peek at your horoscope courtesy of Madam Sarah.
SAGITTARIUS (NOV. 22-DEC. 21): Don’t stress that you haven’t heard from that guy you went out with three weeks ago: Neither has his parole officer.
CAPRICORN (DEC. 22-JAN. 19): Capricorn’s new owner has decided that, because of low ratings, you’ll be replaced by John Stamos this fall.
AQUARIUS (JAN. 20-FEB. 18): No one can communicate effectively without the right tools, so make sure you have a CB radio and flare gun before you leave for vacation this weekend.
PISCES (FEB. 19-MARCH 20): Trouble looms for you next week when your office romance story turns into an office sexual harassment story.
ARIES (MARCH 21-APRIL 19): Aries is on strike until you start showing it some damn gratitude.
TAURUS (APRIL 20-MAY 20): The people who brought you “The Santa Clause 2” and “The Santa Clause 3” have had time to reflect and are willing to take them back.
GEMINI (MAY 21-JUNE 21): This week will bring you serious depression, but you should be used to it by now, right?
CANCER (JUNE 22-JULY 22): You tend to freak out about the smallest things, but this week will feature nothing but serious disasters.
LEO (JULY 23-AUG. 22): Be on guard this Monday: It will feel suspiciously like a Friday.
VIRGO (AUG. 23-SEPT. 22): Though it seems to make sense, there’s just something you don’t trust about this “eat right and exercise” idea.
LIBRA (SEPT. 23-OCT. 23): You will finally one-up your mother when you go 10 weeks without saying anything positive.
SCORPIO (OCT. 24-NOV. 21): Avoid making any major business decisions this week because you’ll spend most of it out of your mind on martinis.
— Madam Sarah/Rockford Register Star